I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
