My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
