You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
