you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
