Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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