Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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