Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
