Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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