I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
