Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
