and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
