i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
