u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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