I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
