I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
