Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Randomize
