Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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