I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
