She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
