god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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