remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
