That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
