I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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