I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
