So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
