You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
