I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
