i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
