Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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