i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
