This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
