I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
