apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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