I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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