Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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