I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
