video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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