just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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