why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
