Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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