I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
