So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dear god my vagina.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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