make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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