Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
