Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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