I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
barbara walters just said penis...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
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