I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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