Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
