where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
