hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This is my gift to your gina
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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