And the cops told us we were all naked.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
