Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
