so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
