i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
