Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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