I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
