a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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