I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
