the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Randomize
